I Want My Ex Back

Not surprisingly, the divorce rate among Americans is 50% for first marriages, an even-higher 67% for second marriages, and a whopping 75% for third marriages. Evidently, the third time is not a charm when it comes to matrimony. Despite these discouraging figures, more and more people are getting married. And when the inevitable break-ups occur, family and friends often discourage you from trying to get back with you ex, opting instead to coach you through surviving the separation and moving on to finding someone better. Now, despite how it may sound, friends and family are not entirely to blame for helping people push those divorce rates higher. They are just giving bad advice based on details that have been provided to them.

Typically what happens when you get into an argument with a partner is your friends and family take your side, recall some long-forgiven argument you had in the past, and tell you that things happen for a reason, it’s time to move on. Unless children are involved, friends and family seldom recommend that you get back with your ex because it is usually easier to suggest the path of least resistance (moving on and finding someone else). Additionally, friends and relatives remember the last major argument and when they see that you are unhappy and heartbroken yet again, they want it to end so they can see you smiling and happy. Lastly, none of them want you to be vulnerable, they do not want to encourage you to put yourself at risk and become vulnerable again. In other words, they support the break-up because they love you want you to be happy.

Since people are more likely to complain about a bad service experience than they are to praise one, they are also more likely to complain about a relationship. How often do conversations with friends and family evolve around how much your partner appreciates you, how well you are treated, and how supportive they are? Rarely. And this makes sense because, first of all, nobody likes to come across as bragging or privileged. As well, we often grow to expect appreciation and above-par treatment from our partner, so we often fail to recognize it as something worth talking about. And, let’s face it, the arguments are much more entertaining, aren’t they? Well, consequently, with nothing left but the arguments to talk about, this is what our friends and family hear. When a break-up happens, is it not logical then for them to encourage us to move on and find someone else?

Sidebar: most of our friends and family will comment on how atrociously high the divorce rate has risen. Few people fail to acknowledge it is as a problem. Then why are these same people supporting the break-up and urging us to live and learn rather than pushing us to get back with our ex?

With these realities in mind, hopefully you now understand (even marginally) why people argue against your trying to get back with your ex. Does that make them right? No, it makes them good allies — why would you want someone who likes to see you hurt time and again? But does it make you right for wanting to get back with you ex? That all depends on several factors, including whether the relationship was generally healthy (in other words, no abuse, no cheating, no lying, etc., etc.). If the problem that led to your break-up was one of misunderstanding, then chances are you can make things work in the long-term. The key word here is “long-term” as any relationship can be repaired in the short-term.

Examples of misunderstanding can include financial matters and other inconsistencies or value misalignments (e.g. one of you promises to be home by a certain time but consistently fails to do so while the other makes more of a concerted effort). In print, these inconsistencies and value misalignments are clearly minor, but they add tremendous tension to a relationship and can lead to break-ups. But what you have likely noticed about these minor details is that they are repairable through a fancy little technique called accommodation and compromise.

In summary, break-ups are seldom a permanent solution to any relationship. In most cases, they are temporary testing periods which can lead to a strengthened relationship at the end of this period. You can definitely succeed when you try to get back with your ex, but it may take patience and a greater, objective understanding of how these things tend to unfold. Bottom line, your friends and family do not want to see you hurt again; their advice is not always based on all of the facts. Only your heart and feelings will tell you whether you should fight to get back with an ex, and statistically, it makes sense that you don’t give up after a break-up.